Posts tagged love

Summed up into one post, my life is pretty confusing. I’ve been told I’m confusing as well. I don’t see myself that way. I personally think that nobody really takes the time to figure me out, so they give up; they call me confusing. Ignorance is hard to avoid these days. My friends and family can be so ignorant and unhelpful at times, I don’t have anywhere to turn. It’s at my lowest points when I realize that God hasn’t been in my life, that I shut him out again. My friends are changing as high school continues. I hate the drama. I hate the jealousy, the attention, and the gossip of being a girl. For over a year now I liked the same boy. We finally dated in December. Everything was fine for the first two months. Everything I wanted, but in the back of my mind was the constant reminder of how long I waited. The question “Was waiting this long really worth it?”. I guess it started to bother me more and more, until our relationship began to crumble. The simplest things would distract me away from him. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I was afraid. In the midst of it all, I lost my way by getting in touch with an ex-boyfriend of mine. My feelings were still there, my infatuation didn’t go away. The crazy idea of him being a better match for me, was what drove me off the edge. I became so indecisive that I had to leave my current boyfriend to see if it were worth it, for a weekend. Turns out, it wasn’t. I got back together with him with a clear head, ready for everything again. I decided to put my heart fully into it this time. What he didn’t understand was that I was ready to stick around. Within days of us getting back together, he had flirted with some big boobed girl. It bothered me, as well as the other scummy chicks he talked to. One day him and the boob freak were on a school trip, and got a little too friendly for my liking. I mean, they didn’t kiss. They held hands, laid on each other, cuddled and etc. That was unacceptable for me, because although I had dumped him for my indecisive feelings, I would never have done that to him. What he did that day, really hurt me. So of course I freaked out once my friend told me, and I dumped his ass. We didn’t talk for a while. He made it seem as if it were all my fault. At first I fought it, but then I gave up; I missed him more than anything. We began to talk again, but I knew he couldn’t possibly stay faithful to me. So two weeks after we broke up, I got drunk and hooked up with the ex-boyfriend I was still crazy for. My most recent ex had found out, and totally freaked. Ever since then, my actions have lead to disasters. I didn’t have anything to say because I thought I was the cause of our ruins. As time went by, he began to say things like “I hope you burn in hell for this shit” and calling me the rudest names in the book. I began to feel no guilt whatsoever. Afterall, I didn’t deserve any of that name calling. When I was with my friends one night, I realized how much fun it would have been if he was there. I called him to hear his voice, it had been a month, and I was starting to miss him. The next day, I wake up to find out he’s in a relationship with a girl 2 years older than him. Talk about embarassing. I was devastated. After not having as a contact on any device, my friend had finally given me his pin a couple of days ago. We figured if we added our ex’s, we could always just see how they’re doing by viewing their status updates. As soon as I added him, he messaged me. Told me a lot and we discussed how we felt. I felt horrible by the end of the night because he proved to me how much of a mistake I made, but how happy he was with his new girlfriend. I was glad that he was somewhat happy.

Two nights I prayed to God asking for a sign of whether or not he was a worthy person in my life. I asked my friend to pray for me as well, and my prayers were answered.

Today I get a second message from him. He told me that he had tried talking to me before, and I never answered. I must of not gotten the message, so I asked what it was. He wouldn’t tell me, until i kept asking him. He finally told me what it was. He had cheaten on me, the entire time. I was in shock. All this time I had been thinking I did something wrong. All this time I was blaming myself, asking myself how I could have possibly let such a great person go.

Realizing what he did, I completely freaked out on him. It’s only natural. Two months later, but I still care. I called him a hypocrite countless times. The funny thing is that everything he once had called me, was everything he should have said to himself instead. I ended off the conversation hoping he felt like scum, because that’s what he is.

I also found out that the girl he cheated on me with is his current girlfriend. Now I dislike her even more. The funny thing is, I was actually relieved when all of this happened. Because I know it was never, and never will be my fault.

One day it will come back to the son of the bitch. And right when it does, I’ll laugh in his ugly face.